These images help explain my insomniacal mind ravings last night. Why did I have insomnia, which is unusual for me? Hmmm. I had a beer. I left the blinds open which let in street light. The dryer started squeaking loudly at 11pm. Gil got up to go work in his studio as he usually does at night. I remembered I forgot to put out the garbage. Worry and anxiety – was that a product of being, against my will, awake in the middle of the night or the cause? They always go hand in hand. I worry a lot, but I am also a happy person. And my worry helps me to fix things and get things done – so not useless.
More importantly, maybe, what ran through my head? I went through the normal commitment-phobia, ‘what-ifs’ and ‘what-am-I-doings’ that often keep me untied and on the move. I worried that I am not truly happy in the city and should find a way to live ecologically in the woods (as I have always dreamed), I worried that I will nickel and dime myself with small repairs – like the photos above of my siding repair (actually that just took time, not new money as I only used a pair of tin-snips, some aluminum flashing and other stuff I already had lying around. Thanks, dad, for the snips.) Obviously now I need to fix or replace the dryer. I’m working on the ceiling in my bathroom – almost all patched, will paint soon. The point is that all these things are probably necessary, but distracting from the bigger efficiency moves I’d like to make – like better wall insulation and appliances (yes, I could upgrade the dryer, or better yet chuck it for drying racks – but new dryers are not a top priority efficiency move and my current populous would probably revolt at forced drying racks.) I worried further that it was ludicrous to upgrade the efficiency of an old building. The walls could be all rotten inside already. I just read that one should be careful about adding rigid insulation to the outside of a wood frame building, as I thought of doing, because that could trap moisture in the walls. I longed for the simple days of simply renting from others that could worry or not about such things.
Luckily, a new day has begun and things do look brighter, somehow. I can still take a new direction any time I want, no need to feel trapped or rush decisions. Even if the walls are slowly rotting and everything is decaying around me, I can still raze the place to the ground in 10 years and start over right (once I win the lottery…). If I choose to. For now, I’m remembering that I have a terrific metal roof, a great boiler, and no reason to fear for the structure other than age. It is my chosen challenge to find a way to work with in my means to make the best choices I can to create a cozy, ecological home and community. It’s not a fairy tale, it’s messy real life and it’s ok. One take home message is that material goods degrade (including the body); saner by far to place your ultimate happiness elsewhere.